In order to learn how to survive an affair, you must first identify your anger and manage it. There are many who will easily understand what I mean when I write about being angry with a partner. This is well understood by those who are undergoing this phase and it is breaking the marriage.
For those who may not easily understand what to be “in anger” means, let me try to explain. When love in a marriage dies, the spouse who no longer has love feelings is mostly in anger. Underlying feelings of anger or resent set in and they are tearing apart the feelings of love.
This can be brought about by a variety of reasons. It may have been brought about by engaging in an affair that brought the angry feelings. Failure to meet certain needs or wants for long periods is likely to create a wall between the spouses.
Whatever the cause of anger is, I have established that before the feelings of being “in love” die, the angry spouse has tried to explain the reasons that are causing anger for a long period which could be many years. The person might feel that the partner has not been listening to complaints. After being ignored, the partner stocks her feelings up. She swallows anger because her partner has not responded to her attempted conversation in the suitable way.
The buried anger aggravates and slowly becomes resentment. When this happens, the feelings of love start to fade away. This partner ends up being “in anger” instead of being in love. It is very hard to love someone who has made you to be angry. Being “in anger” means that the inner caveman has pointed out your spouse to be an enemy. It is hard to love an enemy.
You can reverse this situation if you learn how to recognize your partner as the best friend. However in many cases this is difficult to do. When “in anger” the feelings of resent are the dominant ones every time you interact and even think anything about your spouse. How can you begin the process of turning your spouse to a friend once again?
You must begin by first informing your spouse about the feelings that you have; more so, those that caused resentment to build up. I know that you are thinking that I am expressing something different from my earlier position when I said that you should keep to the inner caveman locked when talking to a spouse. You may wonder how expression of feelings reduces anger for a spouse.
You must also ask yourself how to keep the caveman locked yet at the same time you are expected to share feelings with a partner. It does not seem to make sense. It may seem senseless, but that is the right thing to do. You need to have a discussion with your spouse and share the feelings that caused you to get hurt. Anger will not let you improve your marriage unless you discuss how to eliminate it. Try to improve communication with your spouse.